Hole Mother


From the beginning
I loved you
You filled me through to my soul
First child of mine

It was hard and scary
And so unexpected
Without a plan
Or resources

I grew you and named you
I labored for you and fed you
Gave you every bit of myself
I was not sure it was enough

They said I was not enough
I was not old enough
Smart enough or rich enough
I believed them and loved you

When I gave you away
I was still a child myself
It felt forced, unnatural, labor backwards
Left with an emptiness in my womb

The day she became your mom
It left a great hole

That I have never been able to fill

She took you
She loved you
She named you
Again

At night, in my bed
I cried rivers
Pain of missing you
Next to me, inside me

No other child could take your place
Nothing could fill the space
That hole that was left
After I was no longer guardian

But I still watched over you
Prayed for you
Cried for you
Loved you and missed you

Each of your sisters
I thought would make that hole
Seem smaller
Ache less

But those children
Like you
Made their own place in my heart
And your space is still there

The hole is not empty
It is full of my love for you
That has grown through the years
As I have watched you grow

All of my mother self is waiting
There, for you in this space in my heart
A gift I began wrapping
13 years ago now

It is full of the mothering I cannot share with you
The truths I will one day tell you
I see myself as your silent mother
Feeling less whole than I should

You call me sister
I call you by her name
But my heart remembers
The words I gave you at birth

The name that made you my daughter
And me your mother
The words that would fill that hole
Is unspoken between us

Sometimes I think that you know
Who I am
What you mean to me
Different than a sister

That I am your protector
Your confidant, secret pal
Who has a place reserved for you
When the time is right.