Read Jen's poem: Hole Mother

In Your Eyes


If I listen to them, my children tell me the most amazing things. They speak to me words of wisdom beyond their life experience. Sometimes in the midst of regular life actions, my children speak to me straight from their soul. While eating dinner, washing hands, or getting out of the car, these wonderful beings offer me precious information.

I was moving slowly. It was the last trimester of my pregnancy so everything kind of happened at half speed. My daughter Cait looked into my eyes, as I was letting her out of her carseat. She caught my eyes with her stare, so I stopped for a moment to peer back at her. “What are you looking at Cait?” I whispered. She seemed so peaceful, and her eyes so green, a slightly different green than my own eyes. “Momma, I am in your eyes. I am in you. I am not in your belly anymore, but I am always in your eyes, Momma. Do you see you in my eyes?” she said referring to my own reflection in her eyes. He words enveloped me like a warm wind. Tears came to my eyes as the depth of her insight sank into my heart.

It was like she somehow knew my reluctance to bear my third child, her sister. I was eight months pregnant, and still thoroughly enjoying the movements inside of me, knowing that I would never again be this close to the child within me. A cord connected us, as did our chemistry and blood flow. Releasing the child from my womb meant letting go of this baby so she could grow more independent each day. As a mother, it felt right to nurture this kind of independence. But feeling that this was my last pregnancy, I wanted to cherish every moment of closeness I could. Cait must have intuitively known my hesitancy, my feeling of “not wanting to let go” just yet.

But as Cait uttered her most profound words of wisdom, I knew she was right. I knew that no matter the age of my children, they would always be apart of me and I apart of them.

As I starred back at Cait I thought, the moment I knew you were alive inside of me, I began to know you. Sometimes, I think I knew you before you were even apart of me. I cannot imagine a time when you did not exist. My body is forever changed because of you, my baby. My chemistry has mixed with yours. Even after you left my body, you have left some of you with me, forever. I feel apart of you even though now we are separate. I feel your potential, and know who you are, even before you begin to show those traits. My soul is forever bonded with yours. I softly brushed her blond hair from her round cheek, “Yes, Cait. I see myself in your eyes”.