My Ethan turned three weeks old last Friday, and I'm faced with a short maternity leave that would put me back in my desk next Monday (one week from today). This is a difficult decision for any new mother. Despite the 'plan' that she and her husband may have. When you see your baby, all you want to do is be right there.

My first child, Dolores, was unplanned, and she came to me in my single days. She was the biggest lesson I ever learned. Her need for me to be strong even though I knew I would be raising her on my own kept me grounded. Her presence in my life saved me. With my daughter, I expected that I would have to jump right back on my feet after having her, and work hard to keep our heads above water. Regretfully, I didn't have time to really appreciate this new little presence in my life. I worked long hours with her at an in home daycare, and I had many guilty feelings about leaving her with someone else at just 5 weeks old. Much of the time I did spend with her I was so scared of trying to raise this child on my own and failing. I don't think that I could even appreciate just how precious she was, so small and delicate.

With Ethan, there hasn't been a thing about him that hasn't been planned out. After buying our first house on February 14th, 2003, we contemplated having a second child (Brad's first). Actually, the decision to have him was really scary, but Brad and I both wanted another child so much that the idea of having to hold off was just torture for both of us. After a couple of months of thinking about it, we decided to start trying. We had names picked out 4 months before we actually acheived our pregnancy. If it was a boy, (which in my heart was what I was hoping for, because I already had my girl) his name would be Ethan Taylor. If it was a girl, her name would be Emma Leigh.

After a few disappointing months, many ovulation predictors and pregnancy tests later, we finally succeeded. On August 17th we found out we were having a baby. That same day, incidentally, Brad had to have his Appendix removed. In between bouts of vomiting, I got an exhausted "Woo Hoo!" out of him, poor baby! Not quite the way we intended to celebrate, but what can you do?

Anyway, because the circumstance have been different with Ethan, I've been able to really rest and enjoy my time at home with him. I feel so grateful for both my children and my beautiful Brad. On one hand I don't want anything to change. I love being home with Ethan, having dinner ready when Brad and Dolores get home in the afternoon, and maintaining our home so that our weekends are free. I love that my life is moving at my pace right now. That the happiness of my kids are what governs my time, and not the CEO of the company I'm employed with. I love the time I spend nursing my son. I never want for nursing to be cut short, or to be rushed to fit into my busy work schedule. Ethan is so dear. The way he studies my face when I talk to him. He's got my heart in those tiny little hands of his, and I don't want to miss any part of him growing up. I want to watch all those things happen that I felt like I was missing out on with his big sister. I don't want to come home from work exhausted and sick of dealing with deadlines, impatient clients, long phone calls, and babysitting my employees. I never want to be too tired for my kids. I can also take those Esthetician's courses I've been wanting to take. And maybe continue modeling if I can get back into shape.

On the other hand, the most obvious thing: Income, income, income. $$$. With the money I make we can live a little more comfortably. I can give my kids those extra things they ask for. I can put my daughter in ballet. (She's been driving me crazy with it. Thanks, Angelina Ballerina!) We can remodel the house. Next year we can have a nice extended family vacation. And another important thing: Brad won't have to carry all of the weight of supporting this family on his shoulders. In my profession, I've been moving right on up the chain with this company. I'm respected by my peers and employees.

This is such a tough choice. Can I have another year or two to think about it?? Yeah right. At this time, it looks like I'll be taking a 4 week leave instead of a 6 week leave, and I'll just have to bite the bullet, and go back to work. I'll have to pump my breast milk on my lunch hour, and let Grandma fill me in on all of the wonderful little advances my son is making. I thought we had it all figured out.

Thanks for listening.