He
Couldn't Win
The sad thing is, there’s
no way he could’ve won. I realized this when I was sitting in the bathtub,
my salty tears dropping down on the bubbles in the water, popping them
and mixing with the fresh water. I didn’t know why I had started crying,
only that it was a good one. I stuffed a folded washcloth in my mouth
so my sobs wouldn’t wake him. Small house, ya know.
It
took awhile, but I figured it out. Never was one to pick up on insult
or injury right away. He had hurt me and it took a few hours to dawn
on me. That’s why I was crying so hard, sitting in a bubble bath at
one in the morning.
What
had happened? What was said? I replayed the evening in my mind. It was
after dark on a Saturday evening. I needed to go to the store to pick
up items, including champagne, for a Sunday brunch with friends. Couldn’t
do it Sunday morning because the stores wouldn’t sell alcoholic beverages
until noon. We had to be at our friends’ house at 11:00. So I really
needed to go to the store. I told him this. He said, as he usually did,
"Guess I should go with you." Then I said, as I usually did,
"No, that’s okay. You don’t have to." "Well, I guess
you’re used to being out alone at night anyway," was his reply.
My response, "I don’t want you to feel like you have to
go." That was the standard conversation whenever I went out for
something. And that was the end of it. I headed off to the store late
Saturday evening.
I
returned home and the evening went on as usual. It was after midnight
and I couldn’t sleep so I got up. I really wanted to cry. I drew a bath
and sat down to figure out what was wrong. That’s when I discovered
that there was no way for him to win that evening. I am used to doing
things, taking care of things on my own, regardless of the time of day.
I never thought twice about going to a store alone late at night or
during the day. I knew the drill. Hell, I practiced it everyday. Park
close to the building, park under a light, walk briskly with your head
up, carry your keys in your hand, and always look around. So what was
the big deal?
The
deal was, I was hurt that he didn’t insist on going with me.
I don’t know where that idea came from. I never thought about it before
(well, I do have an idea, but that’s another story). I was hurt that
he didn’t insist on going with me that night.
However,
as a confident, independent woman who learned early in life that even
loved-ones couldn’t (or wouldn’t) always be there for you, I would’ve
taken affront if he had insisted on going. After all, I learned early
in life that I’m the only one I can really count on in this world. And
I have survived just fine, thank you.
That’s
why it would’ve been impossible for him to win. I held all the cards.
I had the trump, the aces, the deuces, the wild cards—everything. No
matter what hand he played, he’d lose.
I
was hurt that he didn’t insist on accompanying me to the store late
at night. I would’ve been offended if he had. Go figure.
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