An Undelivered Poem to Dad
I wrote this to my dad and never sent it. He
died a few months later.
Dear Dad,
Since the day you told me I fucked up the entire family,
Since the day you told me you considered aborting me,
Since the day you told me you were disappointed at my birth,
Since the day you told me my children would mean nothing to you because they
were not carrying on the family name,
Since the day you told someone that loved me I was a manipulative bitch,
Since the day you told me you thought I was a whore,
Since the night(s) I walked your drunken ass down the hall and put you
safely to bed,
Since the night you walked into my room and I lay against the wall praying
you would leave,
Since the day you told me you didn't care whether I loved you or not as long
as you made me strong,
I wondered why.
Now I know.
Because you're were scared of being a failure,
Because you felt that you'd disappointed your family,
Because you didn't feel good enough,
Because you felt worthless,
Because you felt the need to control a child because you couldn't control
your own life,
Because you were an infidel to your family, to your God and to yourself,
Because you were weak,
You told a young child these things so you could feel more powerful, more in
control, more superior.
But I know your secret and now these things are eating away at you, killing
you slowly.
Your loneliness is your doing,
Your isolation the badge you wear,
Your destruction is not courageous but pitiful -- and I pity you now.
But unlike you I cannot stop caring,
My heart aches for you and I will not deny my love for you as you have
denied your love for me.
DESPITE you I have become a gentle loving person who is brave enough to love
and forgive and take chances on the people she loves.
The one thing you could never teach me is the gift I have been given in
order to survive my life with you.
I will be sad the day you die because you will never have learned the one
great lesson in life that matters most.
Love,
A
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