Sure
- always glad to give my perspective. Wow - flash, I just thought of
a writing
for you - I've been at a loss as to what I could write - things are
going so well in my life - but I just had an epiphany. Stay tuned...…Some
thoughts about...independence....working on a relationship..... and
being loved.
Now that I seem
to be settled into a wonderful job and a wonderful relationship, I wonder
sometimes about who this Joanie is. The Joanie of the job is much like
the New Mexico Joanie - competent, nurturing to students, showing a
lot of initiative and learning by listening. I will say, however, the
the learning of a new job after having spent almost 20 years in the
previous one was really, really humbling. I'm very glad I stepped down
into an entry level job, rather than taking the next logical step upward
in a "career" move to Dean's office job - I far prefer learning the
ropes from the ground up, and have been quite humbled at my own incompetence
(my opinion, not others, thank God!) at the beginning of my new job.
But that's not what
this is about. I'm really intrigued by this relationship thing. Not
having had a lot of experience with any long-term relationship, other
than my marriage, which was certainly not a healthy relationship, I
wondered if I would know how to proceed, how to do the give and take
of a healthy relationship, and most importantly, how not to sacrifice
my "self" again for the sake of the relationship. Michael, being a man
of my generation (meaning they sometimes have a hard time respecting
a woman's independence more than younger men do), and having lived the
rock and roll lifestyle for most of his adult life seemed the last person
I would need in my life, and all my warning signals went off when decided
I would see where our friendship went. I have been overwhelmed by how
well we fit, and how much he respects me as a person. As much as I don't
like to admit it, I think every human needs validation by others in
his or her life (whether they be boyfriends, girlfriends, good buddies,
relative or whoever). I have felt a part of me grow because of his respect
for me - I used to think it was bad or weak to rely on anyone other
than myself for anything in life, and now I realize that the positive
others in my life only help to enhance my sense of self. Dependence
isn't necessarily a sign of weakness.
Which brings me
to.....being "taken care of". I have found that having someone want
to protect me physically and emotionally is really a pretty neat expression
of love, and it doesn't mean I'm a wimpy little girl. This was perhaps
the hardest thing for me to accept in this relationship. Maybe it boils
down to some testosterone-filled biological need for the male of the
species to protect that which reproduces the species, or maybe it's
that some men feel that that's what they're supposed to do, or maybe
it is a chauvinistic, sexist guy thing (can you tell I'm still working
on this one?). I have decided that, regardless of what the motivation
is, I really like having someone protect me, and it doesn't diminish
my strength or feeling of invincibility in the least - it's a beautiful
act of love that I accept fully.
So this love thing
is really new to me - to have a healthy relationship is really intriguing
to me. There have been no fireworks, no bells and whistles, no histrionics
and insecurities, just a comfortable warm feeling of being loved and
a sense of one-ness with the man who loves me. I can have my cake and
eat it too. I am an individual unto myself, a strong and independent
woman, and I am also dependent in the best way - maybe reliant is a
more appropriate word -on another, who enhances my life in the best
way. Wow.....who woulda thunk? Certainly not me....
So this Joanie is a
work in progress, but a smiling work in progress, and I discover new things
about her every day. Being in a relationship is like having a mirror that
doesn't quite reflect your image back exactly, but rather filtered through
another set of eyes. And that makes you look at that altered image with
new eyes yourself. And I think that can only be good - seeing yourself
through the eyes of one who loves you.
Joanie
- Summer 2000