On December
6, 1997, Nell forwarded a package of writings and musings. She wrote,
"Dear Dion–Enclosed are copies of things I’ve written–there
is lot more in my diaries, etc., but this is a lot…thanks for letting
me share and affording me this opportunity to share–I trust in
your spirit." Some of her writings follow. All her writings are
copyright © Nell Keener.
Busy
Busy Busy Boys
By
Nell Keener
5/22/86
This
mom’s life is full of boys
Their
books, their jeans and all their toys
Skate
boards, bicycles, play cars and things
Like
collections of ropes and rocks and strings.
They
eat, they play, they squabble and fight
Their
days are full and at the close of night
They
lay their heads down and are so quiet
They
probably dream of what the new day will be like.
I
love their days, I love their life
I
thank the Lord with all my might
That
I’ve been blessed with two
Busy
busy busy boys.
From
her journal for women
"Women
are repeatedly accused of taking things personally. I cannot see any
other honest way of taking
them." — Marya Mannes (1904-1990) American writer
Nov.
26, 1995
On
the eve of starting another new job (11 mos. From the last new job)
I can’t help but wonder and compare. I can still remember the thrill
of starting my last job — I’d finally made it to the Ad. Bldg.
— it was a goal of mine. I was so afraid of the computer. It was
all really exciting — meeting new people — observing to see
how I would fit in and where. Dealing with Patricia daily & getting
her to "thaw" towards me was quite a long haul…but all
so successful in the end. Made friends in every dept. They all walked
through a difficult chapter of my life with me. Oh, the wonderful memories
I take with me of each individual new friend I have. I choose to keep
only the good memories.
Tomorrow
I begin again as the "new kid." I really do look forward to
getting in on the ground floor of a new program "Even Start."
Here’s to the new friends I can make on a new campus — Landis
Elem. All I can do is give it to God — rely on His strength —
spread His love — feel His love coming at me from others. Father,
all that I have I give to you. Be with me as I start this leg of my
professional journey. For your honor Lord.
"I
thought that the chief thing to be done in order to equal boys was to
be learned and courageous. So I decided to study Greek and learn to
manage a hours." Elizabeth Cady Stanton (1815-1902) American Suffragist
April
22, 1997
I
want to live! I want to live a long life in good health. I’m going
to do everything I possibly can to live a long healthy, good, happy
& prosperous life. I am going to better myself with all the self-healing
methods. I am on a new path in my life. I have choices to make, a great
spirit to embolden, a lot of love and support and a fresh beginning
or starting place.
I
can do this — I can learn everyday something new and wonderful
about God’s creation and his love for me!
I’ve
been given a wonderful gift. This time to put my house in order and
my life in order. I will rely upon this wonderful "Spirit"
that dwells in me marveling at my own development over these years.
I
want to live!
"I
have willed to go forward and have not advanced beyond the borders of
my grave." Saniya Salih, b. 1939 Syrian poet
July
25, 1995
I
am 48 years old. I am faced with an ordeal in my life. There is so much
to absorb — too much is happening too fast…all of it has to
do with my life. I am overwhelmed! I am taking the time to assimilate
all the facts and pull myself together. I can do nothing else now —
I am a basket case, an emotional wreck. I Have to sit and not let my
mind dwell on anything — be comfortable — feel who I am physically,
mentally & spiritually. I am exhausted. I must find my peace with
all this.
I
know that I am loved by many — I feel the strength of their prayers
and emotional support. I am truly blessed in this life…yet, I question
sometimes the need for me to stay in this life.
This
crisis in my life is truly a crossroad for me. How am I handling it?
Relying on the spirit.
Remembering
that I am waiting on the Lord. I am in His hands. I am loved.
So
this must be an opportunity for me to do something new with my life
— the way it will be — accept what is to come — make
the best of it — I can do it because of who I am. I am old
enough to make good choices about my life…I just have to pull myself
together and get some rest — Enough for now.
From
Her Collection of Thoughts Titled "Death"
January
23, 1997
My
feelings about cancer are changing. In lieu of the death of Theresa
Holub and David Gonzalez I have learned that my feelings are changing.
When
told about someone else’s cancer I now ask — how serious is
it? How long do they have? Is there any hope?
Will
I be able to bear up under the suffering? What does it really mean =
"Take my yoke upon your shoulders for my burden is light…"
His burden is the greatest there is! I shared this with Virginia and
in her sweet simple way of the spirit she said she understood it to
mean that we should accept the cross we are given. I see it in
a different light now and understand that this is my cross — bearing
up under the cross of this disease. I can do this — I have faith
in Christ that He can help me with this every time I ask Him. I must
remember to ask Him and remember to lay it at the foot of The Cross.
"Lay your burdens down."
June
20, 1997
When
my time comes as it will — no one knows when, yet I understand
that my time may come sooner than I ever expected. I’ve not been
feeling well — my glands are swelling more & my spleen is giving
me fits when it feels like it. I don’t want to lose parts of my
body but it may be. I will see the Dr. again next week and I will tell
him my fears again — I am uncomfortable with the swelling in my
neck and under my arms. Some days are better than others — fortunately
one not so good day doesn’t necessarily mean that another will
follow on its heels. I get things done around the house and I am glad
to do them but nothing at break neck speed.
About
my own end — I hope that I can be in the company of my family —
that there will be peace around me & that I will leave my loved
ones with peace. I know that Rick, Ben & Brien will be all right
— I have given them enough of my life to be assured that they are
walking in the light with God’s love and with my love.
I
feel really good about having "my house in order" — I
have had the time to make things right with my soul & that has given
me the strength to go on until there is no more. If it should be that
my end is not in close sight then I will live the rest of my life knowing
that God loves me so much and has given me so many blessings in life
through His creation that I will go on touching lives that He brings
into my realm with all the love that He has for everyone.
August
16, 1997 11:06 AM
I
am through with my chemo for this week. Another week in the life of
dealing with the effects of having a disease. Things really aren’t
so bad — they could always be worse. I have so much loving support
coming at me from every angle of life. I am truly a blessed person to
be able to count my blessings and they are so many. I don’t dwell
so much on the side effects of the drug — I just take things one
day at a time or even one moment at a time. I rest when I am tired —
and look forward to ….what? Another day and a future that will
be free of this disease. I continue to read positive self-help books
and to pray. I will be glad when I can look further into my future and
know that I will be contributing to life for others. In the meantime,
I am in the hands of the Lord and in His time.
From
Her "Cancer Memoirs"
8/14/97
11:14 p.m.
I
had been at M D Anderson (Cancer Center in Houston, TX) for about 4
days already doing outpatient things like seeing the doctor and visiting
the labs for blood work, scans and the whole rig-a-moro. While waiting
in yet another waiting room I looked around me at the rest of the people.
Ordinary folks with their own emotional support in attendance. Some
are drinking the barium mix, some watching TV, some doing the jigsaw
puzzle, some in silence. Some wear baseball caps, some wear turbans,
some just let the stage of hair loss show and there are others like
me–we have hair. I’m not the only one looking around and waiting.
I realize that not only am I looking around and wondering about these
folks–they too must be looking at me. It struck a funny chord in
me that here I am with a full head of hair and they too must be wondering
what stage I’m in.
In
yet another one of the waiting areas, this for patients only, a precious
older lady full of spirit is lighting up the whole area just by talking
with others. She hasn’t a tooth in her head but she has a smile
on her face and in her voice. She says she has been coming here for
7 years. She has had bad days but she doesn’t let them get her
down, she just gets out and does something so that it won’t be
a totally bad day.
When
my sister was with me the first few days–we made a special effort
to wear make up and to look good. It is so important that the image
we project is reflected back to us in the people we have to deal with.….
The
ladies in the lab for the big blood letting were such a hoot. We talked
about the Coushatta Casino and how much fun can be had there. We learned
from one of them, "Never leave our bag on the floor–you won’t
ever have any money in it."
It’s
as if we are doing our best not to acknowledge why we are here. Just
want to get in and take care of business and get out as soon as possible.
There is so much physical strain being in a place like this–the
muscles have their own tension. So we joke and talk about everything
else what is going on.
8/16/97
11:04 a.m.
I
have completed one whole week of being at the Cancer Center of Corpus
Christi getting my daily dose of chemotherapy. The place is very comfortable
and the nurses are really great. There is a volunteer that comes in
once a week (I think) and she plays such soothing music on the harp.
I sit in my easy chair with my own TV. I say my rosary, watch TV and
read my books. The lighting is so good in that room–there are windows
above that I can just gaze out at the clouds passing by.
One
day I was able to visit with this wonderful older man (73 yrs.) who
had such a wonderful humor. He kept telling jokes–I laughed most
of the time. Time passed really quickly.
The
only side effects so far have been a really severe headache (behind
the eyes) it would last about 4 hrs. and only occurred about three days.
I had the diarrhea and took Immodium AD which helped. The first day
there was nausea, I couldn’t get near the kitchen, the smell assaulted
my senses. On the last day while driving to the Cancer Center I was
dizzy for about 3-4 seconds. No Big Deal. The best side effects (feeling
better) are yet to come and I will continue to be cautious and take
care of myself.….
So
I continue to take each day as it comes without much change. I rest
(sleep) when I am tired which is every afternoon. I eat because I have
to eat to live. Sometimes I even have to make myself chew. I was able
to fix dinner a couple of times this past week. Brien prepared a good
meal one night. Angie (the maid) comes once a week and it really helps
so much to have a clean house without my energy going into it. The boys
worked on the yard the same day–so the house looked great inside
and out. That made me feel good.
Sept.
8-12, 1997
Another
week of Chemo. I go by myself and do my thing. Friends ask if they can
go but I tell them that it is really boring to just sit and wait with
me. It’s not a fun thing to do. I am independent and can take care
of myself. My veins are breaking down and unfortunately my left hand
has been the main spot for getting stuck. I’ve only had the headache
one time. After the last treatment I had a hard time getting home I
was so tired. The nurses in the treatment room are all so nice–they
keep a good attitude–nice and cheery. One day there was a woman
who was experiencing chest pains at the same time as her treatment.
They gave her such good care and protected her by pulling the curtain
around–guess they were shielding us also. I asked the next day
about her and was told that she was fine and sometimes that can happen.
There
was another man that I had seen several days when I was there. As he
was leaving one day and I’m still in my chair–he stopped and
with a smile on his face, shook my hand and said "God Bless You."
That made me feel so good.
Another
day, the man sitting next to me talked about his business and life.
It made the time pass so good. He introduced himself to me as he was
leaving. We are all just plain ordinary people with the same feelings
and fears yet united by this IV that is supposed to "prolong life"
and "save life."
Another
day this elderly man who was very hard of hearing came in and sat down
next to me. He asked me why I had so much hair. I couldn’t say
anything–I didn’t know what to say besides he couldn’t
hear me. He had a great attitude and said his had just started falling
out.
There
is one young man that I have seen the past two months. He is young,
probably in high school. He wears a baseball cap to hide his hair loss
and comes in with his ear phones to plug into his music. His jeans are
so neatly pressed. His younger brother and mother, sometimes his father,
come with him. They don’t stay in the room but always make sure
he is comfortable with a blanket and water before they leave. I sense
his "aloneness" in spite of his family’s presence. We
are all so alone in dealing with the disease no matter who is around
us or with us. (11/12/97: Found out from cousin Micah’s husband,
Jimmy, the boy’s name is Jesse H. He is 21 and will have surgery
today. His chemo didn’t work for him and they don’t expect
much from his surgery at M D Anderson (Cancer Center). His Dad is Jimmy’s
best friend from the King Ranch. He said they are a wonderful Mormon
family. My prayers are with that family.)
So
many people come with the family or friends to sit next to them and
visit while they get their treatment. They talk together, get them cookies
or coffee or they just sit and read…but they are not alone. I wonder
what they think of me–always alone.
Week
of Oct. 20th, 1997
I
decided this week to have someone be with me. I just couldn’t face
another week of chemo alone then I remembered to practice what I preach
"A gift is not a gift unless it is received." How can I deny
my friends and family a chance to help me? They can give me what I need
and that is their company. Allowing them to just spend time with me
when I really need it most. I read where your friends want to help and
need to be told what they can do to help.….
I
am tired. Tired in the body and tired of knowing this feeling of being
tired….it has its own feeling of depression. It’s a natural
state when you don’t feel good again. Some days I am better at
putting it away and some days I just have to go with it.
October
28, 1997
Yesterday
I received a copy of a letter sent by the insurance company to M D Anderson
denying my allogeneic bone marrow transplant as "investigational
and not of proven benefit for this patient." Needless to say, I
was "shot down" and so angry. Who do they think they are to
deny on the basis of an "independent physician advisor" paid
by them when this procedure has been recommended for me by Dr. Nash
Zanger who referred me to Dr. McCarthy of Baylor College of Medicine
in 1995 and then by Dr. Nash who referred me to M D Anderson in July
of this year. I felt as if they had pronounced a death sentence for
me…I lost my hope for a life of health and happiness. Of course,
I am dealing with the after effects of Chemo–I am constipated (still),
I have a cold, I have aches, I am tired and then I get this letter.
DEPRESSION set in, so with a sense of determination to set this record
straight and to fight for my life I set my course. This morning I attended
the 8:30 a.m. Mass. Of course, when I don’t feel well I cry during
Mass but I was so glad to be able to participate in this special sacrament.
Then on to the grocery store for food for the week. Now it is time for
laundry. I also spoke with BMT Coordinator at M D Anderson who advised
me to draft a letter to her to have M D Anderson act on my behalf to
appeal this awful tragic decision by a cold impersonal institution that
wants to have control over the state of my life.
Tuesday,
November 11, 1997
Had
my appt. with Dr. Nash yesterday. He helped me to understand the ins.
Co. better and to pursue it even if it has to go to lawsuit. Chemo will
start again next week. No perm for the hair. I really haven’t liked
my natural straight hair in a long time. Need to be thankful I have
hair.
11/20/98
2:49 a.m.
I
am in pain and have been since 12:30 a.m.–I have taken two Tylenol
the relief from the pain has been at most minimal. I cry–I toss–I
turn–I pace–I breathe–there is nothing to take away the
pain. It hurts–it hurts–IT HURTS!!!!! I am most miserable–I
curse–I beg for it to go away–it doesn’t–it just
keeps hurting.
From
a letter of around December 1997
Dear
Family and Friends,
I
really miss you all so much. Being by the sea is a beautiful place to
live but really is far from Houston. This is a very wonderful place
for me to slow down. Every day I pass the ocean I can’t help but
marvel at the wonders of His creation.
I
have to apologize for this blanket letter but there are so many I want
to keep up with but just don’t have the energy to do a really personal
handwritten letter. I so appreciate your letters and calls but most
especially your prayers. Your friendship and your prayers have been
my strength when I absolutely had none of my own. I am so fortunate
to have had such opportunities to share life with so many. Thanks be
to God who in His infinite wisdom allowed me to be in such a good place
to develop such wonderful relationships. I am eternally grateful.
I
have such ups and downs — I feel truly like I’m on a roller
coaster ride but this is my life for now. The choice to have the bone
marrow transplant is a chance for life for me. Without it there is no
hope and that is really a hard thing to swallow. So I choose to fight
and when I am weak I try to coast until I can recover that spirit again.
I know that it is your prayers and God’s love that gets me through
so much of this. I rely on it because I cannot do this on my own.
I
have learned so much more this past year about loving and being loved.
Being on the receiving end of it all is a different ball game. It is
difficult to have to ask for help but when you know you need it and
realize how wonderful it is to help others then it is time to receive
as well. It is in receiving that the giver is blessed and so the receiver
is even more blessed by allowing it to happen.
A
big thank you to so many of you who have sent cards and notes so regularly.
They always lift my spirits to know that I am being remembered in your
thoughts and in your prayers.
So
much love for you and your loved ones……..Nell
On
July 12, 1999 Nell was admitted to the hospital to take her war to another
front. At four in the morning she sent this e-mail to Barbara. Her husband,
Rick, found her sweating at the keyboard as she completed it.
Dear
Barb - can't sleep but wanted to catch up with you. Make this time constructive
anyway. Dr. Barker (he was on call this weekend) changed my meds. I
started another antibiotic + steroids (short duration). Temp. won't
go away - the node in groin is causing great discomfort, side effects
of med. are something else. The neck node is just part of me now. Think
I'm suffering systems breakdown due to such a compromised immune system.
Know that chemo drug will probably have to change - bet the next one
will take my hair this time & that's OK. I plan to be bald with
pride - I'm surviving. Radiation is part of my future as well. New experience
in this part of my adventure. Looking up more than looking forward.
Just crossing each bridge as I come to them. The angels are really holding
me up. Much good love & support coming from family & friends
- that's the best medicine. Major priority is SELF & I'm tending
to that real well - have become quite accustomed to listening &
tending to body signs as they appear. It's good to have life & appreciate
it. Have plans to make it over this hurdle but knowing that God's plans
are often different I'm confident in waiting on Him to reveal it - I
have the time & know that His ways are so much better. It's a good
thing that the family had counseling a few years ago that included the
fellas attitude towards my disease. I know that they love me, treasure
me but also know that they can't express their concern 'cause they can't
fix it themselves. So we don't talk about it other than I keep them
informed on how I'm feeling anyway. My dear sweet husband - I had the
opportunity to tell him today that not only do I love him very much
but I CHERISH HIM. It is so wonderful to come to that place in love.
Also shared with him over dinner (just he & I) my plans for what
I want to happen when I do take my last breath. … I've been in
this place before where I have to rely on modern medicine to get me
through but I also realize they will do their best & that may not
be enough. So I like to make my wishes known while I still can.
I
really do look forward to my end when it's time - I know that my reward
will be so great. When I leave this plane I will be leaving knowing
that my fellas will be fine - they've had the best of me. I've planted
seeds that I've had the opportunity to see bloom & others will be
watered by other special people. They will all be fine knowing that
they had so much of my love which is the best gift to leave them with.
This disease has given me time to do some real healing of self - for
this too I am most grateful.
Now
I am watching the clock to see when I can take some more pain meds.
- there is only so much that I can offer up....then it's time for drugs!
OK
- I've unloaded a lot - it's so great to share. Like it best when we
are in person though & that can happen. …Enjoy each precious
moment - I sure do. Want you to walk in peace & the wonderful light
of His love - you are a great channel for that. So long for now - loving
you & so grateful you came into my life. "Heaven is closer when
you live by the sea" - I know that's right for me. God Bless, love,
nell
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